watching

I still think about the last funeral I went to.

I got there too early but no one saw me. I sat in the back, thinking – unwillingly – that this was a horrible way to say goodbye.

I remember asking God,
How could they believe such a lie?

They brought my friend in a wooden box the color of granite.

And as I stared, it felt like even the crickets were silent.

I watched everyone walk up and tell lovely stories about late nights, early mornings.

About how much they loved him too – but it was funny because no one said what everyone knew.

I stayed in the back but no one saw me. And I didn’t cry… I didn’t feel like it was right of me.

Not at the time, but not at all.

Not until the month the leaves started to fall. While I waited parked in a street, I saw two friends meet. They were at the same park where we learned how to play baseball. One of them was wearing yellow, and the other one was too tall. I watched as he tried to hang from a branch on one of the trees.

And I thought how funny what no one notices… what no one really sees.

I drove away in a hurry, but no one saw me.

And you walked away, and I just watched you.

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I thought that watching was all I could do.

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